Motorcycles

Today we walked to the YMCA for swimming and gymnastics. It took us about an hour, at a semi-leisurely pace, which allowed a lot of time for talking.

Isaac pointed out at least three motorcycles as we were walking (along with numerous trucks and pieces of garbage and whatever else he saw). I didn't hear Ezra say anything to him the first few times, but as Isaac pointed to the third motorcycle I heard Ezra say:

"Isaac, please stop talking about motorcycles! I asked you before and you keep doing it. I don't like hearing about motorcycles because it makes me think about how my grandma died!"

Ezra's Fourth Birthday **needs photos

Our oldest child is now four years old. Four!!

Ezra began asking when his birthday would be shortly before Isaac’s birthday, back in March. He knew his birthday was “in the spring” but didn’t know the date. As we’ve started talking more about calendars and clocks this month, he internalized “May 6th” as his birthday, but I’m not particularly confident that he truly understands the concept of months/days. Anyway, he struggled for a few weeks with the idea that his birthday wasn’t “first” (that is, before Isaac’s) even though he is the “first kid” but he was suitably cheerful when we celebrated Isaac’s birthday and lavished his little brother with instructions as to what to expect on a birthday.

I, however, didn’t get the memo and didn’t supply Isaac’s party with balloons and streamers, so in the lead up to Ezra’s birthday he asked me to “please remember this time”. Many months ago Ezra also requested that Isaac have a “Batman cake” and he have a “Superman cake” for their respective birthdays and thankfully Ruth was willing to provide her cake-decorating artistry yet again.

So we had the date and resulting countdown to the date, party decorations and a cake plan. We also made a list of some new chores and expectations that Ezra would assume once he turned four. But would the day ever come?!?

On May 4th and 5th Ezra woke up asking if it was his birthday yet, so when he woke up on May 6th I was so excited to tell him it was finally his birthday!! I had purchased powdered sugar cake donuts and a small basket of raspberries for his birthday breakfast, since those are rare indulgences, and it was just so fun to watch him wake up and revel in the excitement that it was his birthday. Isaac had, as usual, woken up before Ezra and saw the donuts and raspberries and raced into the bedroom to announce their presence to Ezra the minute he realized Ezra was finally awake. He even sang “happy birthday Ra-ra” to Ezra while Ezra was still in bed.

I had planned several activities for our morning, but they were all derailed so we actually just hung out at home for a bit before dropping Seth off at TBS and then heading across the street to the park to play until he finished. And then we trekked over to my parents so I could teach piano lessons at their house for two hours and then celebrate Ezra’s birthday with my parents and a few of my siblings who were able to make it.

I made spaghetti (since it’s one of his favorite meals) and we opened presents and ate a Superman cake and “strawberry, chocolate and vanilla ice cream”. Ezra was so thrilled with his presents! He received a number of superhero items, much to his delight, including a Superman quilt made by Grandma (something he’s coveted since Isaac received a Batman quilt for his birthday). He also received several books and action figures and clothes and a fishing pole. He made the cutest exclamations of awe as he opened each present.

It wasn’t an especially exciting day, especially compared to my initial plans, but Ezra had fun and felt special.

Visiting Ana's Grave

Last May Ezra noticed the white popsicle sticks stuck in the ground at a local high school (a tribute to Arlington Cemetery, in honor of Memorial Day) and started asked question after question about them. He had already been asking questions about Ana and Mimi and it became obvious that we needed to explain death to him. We were apprehensive about his understanding, but as with every other topic, we were just honest with him and answered his questions, letting him direct most of the conversation. In the year that has followed, he has talked about them and the more general subject of death, frequently and seems to have a

We didn't purposely avoid taking him to Ana's gravesite, but neither did we offer. He loves to hear stories about her and talks about her often. Half of the time her photo is missing from our wall because he's reached up and pulled it off so he can look at it closely. He asks Seth questions about her often and remembers every word Seth tells him. Lately he's been missing her especially, and has asked to see additional photos and hear even more stories.

On Monday night, after the last TBS baseball game, we were driving to meet up with one of Seth's workers to pay him and Ezra just asked if we could go see Ana's grave. It seemed completely random, to us, but in retrospect, he's been missing her quite a bit, as I just wrote. It was already 5ish pm, so I assumed Seth would say we'd have to go a different day, but he said ok! The gas station where we met his worker had so many California poppies, so I jumped out an picked a few handfuls as per Ezra's request (I'm still not sure if he actually knew it's a custom to leave flowers on graves or if he just wanted to take his grandma pretty flowers). We grabbed Chick-a-fila, to see what all the hype was about, and headed east.

The cemetery was completely empty the whole time we were there and we quickly found her gravesite. Ezra then spent about an hour arranging flowers (including the fake roses that were already at her grave) while Isaac alternated watching Ezra and running along the edges of the graveyard. Isaac hardly understands familial relationships, so despite the many times as Ezra has told him "Ana is Daddy's mommy" I don't think he really understands.

Ezra didn't talk very much, which is of course a rarity, and we tried to give him lots of space.

It was a really sweet evening, although it was especially hard for Seth. He misses his mom for many reasons, of course, but the thing that's probably hardest for him is that she never got to meet Ezra and Isaac. But, as Ezra often says, someday we will get to see her in heaven!

"There's a Rattlesnake Under My Stage"

We were watching a bit of The Nutcracker and Ezra, of course, decided he wanted to start dancing. So he dressed up and started twirling around the living room, with frequent requests to "watch this move!"

He stopped, however, panting and declared he was "out of energy". When I asked him why he was out of energy, he replied "well, there was a rattlesnake under my stage and that made me have to run away!"

Taco's Tail = Mustache

Ezra got such a kick out of pretending Taco's tail was a mustache:

Library and Puddles

Goodness, it's been rainy! So today we met our friends at the library for a few hours. All three of the kids were rather energetic (maybe they'd been stuck inside for too long?) so I don't know that it was a particularly relaxing visit. But we got some books and played with some toys.

And then Ezra and Isaac had a great time splashing in the puddles in the parking lot! Such a great time it necessitated a strip down before we got into the van.

Doing the... Wa State Fair?

"Wa State Fair" doesn't have the same ring to it as the "Puyallup State Fair," but perhaps it's more accurate.

We went twice: once with Hannah on opening day (free admission!) and then again with Seth. Each time Ezra got to go on three rides and we spent a lot of time looking at (and petting) animals. We hardly went through the Hobby Hall and didn't go through the Exhibition Halls, but it was pretty hot both days and we had fun anyway.

September 5th:

September 18th:

Ink All Over!

Today's art project quickly devolved:

Ezra's Sermon

Delivered to Isaac, while standing on the table:

"Isaac, God loves you. God is not a disciple. She is a Spirit. I mean, He is. Satan does not love you. Satan does not love anyone; not God, not Jesus. Isaac, God wants you to obey. And Jesus. Satan does not love you. So I know you don't want to, but God wants you to obey. Or there is a consequence."

Uncle Jack

We had a great visit with my brother and his fiance at his house yesterday. Ezra cried the entire drive home because he didn't want to leave, and repeatedly chastised me for taking him away from his uncle for the remainder of the day.

Today he went over to Grandpa and Grandma's house and played with his Aunt Ruth, who sent me the following text:

Ezra just told me: "My mommy took me away from jack and I was crying because I was sad and I just want to play with him again."

Thurman's Rescue

Esra just insisted Seth and I put him in his fire truck bed and act out an entire play. Seth was Grandpa and I was Grandma and the bed was a car. The crib was the volcano and he was Thurman and he crawled out of the window and I had to grab his back legs and Seth had to pull over and run around to the passenger side and grab Thurman's front legs to save him.

This happened thirty-four years ago while my parents were driving up from California (the weekend Mt. St. Helens erupted), to move my dad (and his cat, Thurman) to Washington.

Ezra and Stories

Ezra asks for stories constantly. He enjoys books, of course, but loves stories about when he/his parents/his aunts and uncles/friends/grandparents were kids. And he remembers them in such vivid detail!

"Isaac just keeps ruining my day"

"Isaac just keeps ruining my day" he says. It's kinda true. Poor Isaac wants Ezra's attention SO badly that he keeps forcing himself on Ezra.

This morning, at least, Ezra is overtired (Isaac did rudely wake him up) and just wanrs to be left alone. Isaac, however, is in a great mood and is being super sweet. He hasn't hit Ezra once! And keeps trying to (open mouth) kiss Ezra ("but he's so slimy!") and pet him ("but I'm not a dog or animal!")

This is as difficult as keeping them apart when they're being mean to each other!

"Such a Nice Lady"

Ezra finished his peanut butter and jam sandwich and stood up. "I think I need another one!"

"Oh?" I asked. "Do you want another peanut butter and jam sandwich?"

"Yes please! To the kitchen!"

I beat him to the kitchen and started spreading the peanut butter on a slice of bread.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making you another sandwich."

"Oh! You are just such a nice lady!"

Operation Toilet Training

I'm hesitant to declare Operation Toilet Training a success, but since I'm no longer concerned about Ezra's ability (read: willingness) to communicate his need to use the bathroom successfully, I don't know how else to describe our progress. I guess I'm just afraid that all of this has been some elaborate mind game on his part to raise my hopes and then cruelly dash them.

That being said, what else am I waiting for? Phase one is definitely over. Ezra wears underwear all day and is very good about telling me when he needs to go. Most nights we do have him wear a pull up, but he stays dry through the night half of the time. When we put on his pull up, he usually protests that he doesn't want a diaper, because he's a big boy. But then again, every once in a while he asks to wear a diaper so he can be a baby. I think it's just his obstinacy. As with everything, once Ezra decided he wanted to use the toilet, he did really well.

Ezra does not/cannot go the bathroom all by himself, however. He can pull his underwear up and down, and he can flush the toilet and wash his hands by himself, but using the stool to climb up and sit on the toilet is just a bit much still. Probably primarily because Ezra does still wait until almost the last moment to tell me that he needs to go. Still, I will happily run him to the toilet in exchange for not changing his diapers! In a month or two I'll help him learn to be self-sufficient, but for now I'm glorying in the fact that he's finally out of diapers!

Snow!

It snowed! It finally snowed! Isaac went out to "play" in the snow, but then took a nap while Ezra and I played in the snow for a while. We couldn't go on a walk, like Ezra wanted to, because Isaac was napping, but we still had fun. Maybe next time it snows Daddy will be home so we can all play in the snow together. And hopefully build snowmen!

"...Doesn't Have a Mommy"

Lately, whenever Ezra sees someone or something that looks sad or scary, he'll comment on it. "Mommy, look at that girl. She's so sad." "Mommy, look at the scary owl! He's mean and scary!"
Perhaps it started because I sometimes asked, "oh? why do you think she's sad?" or "why is he mean?" but Ezra has started offering his explanation of why said person/thing is sad or scary.

Because they miss their mommy.

"Why is the girl sad?" "Because she doesn't have a mommy and she needs one."

"Why is the owl scary?" "Because he misses his mommy."

We went to the "castle park" (at Fort Steilacoom) today and while Seth made some phone calls in the car, I pushed Ezra and Isaac in the swings. There is a mural painted onto several tiles and framed in the fence around the swing set. It's supposed to be of a dragon, but Ezra always thinks it's a sea horse. A sad, scary Mommy sea horse.

See the "sea horse" to the left of Isaac?

Why is the Mommy sea horse sad? Because she needs to have her kids and she misses them.

It is adorable and flattering... and also heartbreaking.

When we have these conversations, I do sometimes think of Ana and miss her - especially for Seth and Ezra and Isaac's sake. But, more selfishly, I also think of how devastated I would be if anything would happen to my precious children. And then I pray for their safety, yes, but also for my ability to firmly entrust them to their Heavenly Father who loves them ever so much more than I do.

Morning Cuddles and Songs

Ezra fell out of bed in the middle of the night, so I brought him to bed with me. And Isaac couldn't and wouldn't relax and fall asleep unless held (I think he's about to pop a new tooth in), so he came to bed too.

Seth left for work really early this morning, so it was just us three sleeping away until 9:00am!!!! And then we just cuddled. Ezra sang us "Old MacDonald" and "Its First Spider" and Isaac cooed. They're starting to enjoy each other so much more (and bother each other more too...) and I love watching them interact.

It's especially sweet to have morning cuddle time, because there's nothing better than laying in bed as long as possible in the morning.

Obedience

Tonight, Ezra, you climbed on top of the (closed) toilet seat twice. I took you off both times and told you not to climb up again.

The second time I told you that you would get a time out if you didn't obey me. You merrily made a beeline to the bathroom anyway, and I stopped you and told you to obey me. Of course, Isaac started crying just then (you two! one of you always need Daddy or I most just when we're occupied with your brother!) and in the moment I was distracted, picking him up, you started off for the bathroom again. Daddy called to you, "remember what Mommy said! you need to obey!" and you started walking veeerrrryyy slowly back through the bedroom, to us.

You clamped your hands over your ears, acting as if you couldn't hear us. You had the biggest frown on your face and your chin was firmly planted on your chest, in disapproval. You kept walking towards me, as slow as I've ever seen you move. And then you plopped down right in front of me and said "I'm too little. And it's too dark." You often tell us that you're "too little" when you don't want to do something, but I'd never heard your "too dark" excuse. That's quite creative.

Oh, Ezra, it breaks my heart when you're defiant. You're so strong-willed sometimes. You want your own way, on your own timeline, so many times a day. Just like me.

But you're slowly learning to obey. I was so proud of you tonight. You didn't obey immediately or cheerfully, but you were obviously weighing the consequences and struggling to make the correct decision.

You've obeyed and disobeyed before, obviously. And it's not as if your exaggerated display of reluctant obedience is even really acceptable. But on a day like today where obedience has been such an issue for you, small victories are encouraging. And, of course, I can relate all too well to your reluctance to obey.

Toilet Training

Well, I decided I've had enough of diapers. For Ezra, that is. I'm not about to start elimination communication with Isaac!

It has seemed very clear to me over these last few weeks that Ezra can indeed control his bodily functions, but just doesn't want to give up diapers. Now, for months he's been able to identify what his body needs to do, usually with plenty of notice to get to the bathroom. And I probably pushed a little too hard a few months ago when he first showed interest (and I wasn't hugely pregnant! because he was most interested last February but I squelched that quickly because I was having a hard enough time moving on my own, let alone racing a heavy toddler to the toilet and squatting next to him!). And I, um, dropped him in the toilet and thoroughly traumatized him. I didn't mean to! I just lost my grip and he slipped in.

If he hadn't shown any signs of readiness I wouldn't have pushed him I know he's only two and a half years old. Most literature recommends waiting until a boy is three years old to try any sort of toilet training. But I as convinced he was ready.

Throughout the end of October and early November we tried just about every bribe - special foods and M&Ms and sticker charts, but nothing was appealing enough.

Last Monday morning (Veteran's Day, actually), I decided to put him in underwear give it a try. But it only took an hour or two before I realized I couldn't deal with a rebellious, determined Ezra and a needy Isaac at the same time. Of course I was nursing Isaac at the very moment Ezra needed to use the toilet. I practically tossed Isaac to the ground, but Ezra screamed and screamed and I couldn't even get him to the toilet before he (defiantly?) wet his pants. With two kids screaming at the same time I just gave up and put a diaper on Ezra.

It bothered me all week, though, because Ezra seemed so ready, but also said the most defiant things about never using the toilet. The handful of times I'd tried to set him on the toilet throughout the end of October/early November, he'd hold himself and tell me he'd never ever pee. And he wouldn't until I put him back in a diaper. September had been such a battle of wills, and then October had been such a peaceful month that I both didn't want to spoil our relative peace. And yet, I was rejuvenated enough for another battle. We even splurged on Thomas the Train underwear!

Maybe seeing his younger brother wear underwear will be extra incentive?

Seth had this Monday off, though, so I convinced him to devote the day to helping me help Ezra. He was skeptical because he thought it might be too early, but we agreed that if, after two days, Ezra still wouldn't/couldn't show any progress we'd give it up for another month.

So we just took away diapers from Ezra. He held it for eight hours and screamed and raged whenever we tried to put him on the toilet. When Isaac finally went down for his afternoon nap, Seth went out to run errands. I was sitting on the couch with Ezra, reading to him and he started to pee. My goodness, he'd held it long enough! We ran into the bathroom and as soon as I held him on the toilet, he stopped!?!! I knew, however, that he had to go, since he'd been holding it for so long, so I just held him on the toilet. He screamed and screamed until his face was so red. I felt terrible! It seemed like an hour of agony, but it probably was only five minutes. Ezra had started to calm down, so I just took him off the toilet and, sitting right there in front of the toilet, I just held him.

He wasn't ready. He was so young and I was forcing him to do something he wasn't interested in or able to do, just because I was sick of changing his diapers. I felt so guilty and selfish as I cuddled Ezra. But then I felt this warm sensation in my lap...

I didn't feel quite so charitable as I hurriedly put Ezra right back on the toilet! But as soon as he was back on the toilet he stopped peeing! I held him on, however, as he screamed and thrashed again. After a few (very long!) minutes I took him off and held him again... but he started peeing on me again! Thankfully, though, when I put him on the toilet again he finally used it, instead of me, to finish up.

Success!

That entire episode solidified my conviction that Ezra really could control his bladder and was really being defiant in his refusal to use the toilet. Seth got home a little bit later and we made a big deal about Ezra's success and Ezra tried to pretend like he was indifferent to our rejoicing.

But then I had to go teach piano lessons, so I left Seth with both boys and Ezra still in underwear. And!! when I returned home? Ezra had even pooped in the toilet!!!

Now we're on day three with a decent measure of success. I anticipate it's going to stick this time, if we're consistent. I know he's capable. His accidents thus far have mostly been when I'm not paying close enough attention to his signs or when I'm nursing Isaac. But he has looked me right in the eye and announced his intention to pee in his underwear and then done so. We'll see how it goes! If, after at least a week, this doesn't stick we will happily go back to diapers. I don't want this to set Ezra up for failure or frustrate him. But we're giving it a try!